Toxic Masculinity: What's up with the controversy about the Gillette ad?

For the past two years, I've had the privilege of teaching an extremely intelligent kid. He was the kind of student who was enthusiastic, hardworking and attentive. He ended up being the top student of his class too. However, I found it quite troubling because whenever we encountered a comprehension passage that hinted towards gender inequality, he would say (rather disdainfully), "Why is it always about girls?"

Because there was limited curriculum time, I couldn't explain how women couldn't own property and were once property. I couldn't explain how women had to campaign for the right to vote. I couldn't talk about double standards that women face with regards to beauty. I couldn't talk about catcalling and other forms of sexual harassment. I couldn't talk about the gender wage gap or the glass ceiling. In order to move on to the next part of the lesson, I had to address the issue quickly. So, all I did was to explain, rather briefly, that women have been treated unfairly for a very long time. And to illustrate this in a simple way for all students in class to understand, I just talked about how women have to take a man's surname, which is why traditional families have always treated sons better.

I have always felt (and still feel) that it was unfortunate that I was unable to fully address his question. Because he's right. It isn't just about girls. It's about men and boys too.

Sexism and toxic masculinity affects men just as much as it affects women. Yet it is shocking to see that some men (not all men, mind you) are unable to open their eyes and see this reality. Recently, there was a Gillette advertisement that took the Internet by storm. And I really didn't get it. Why were men supposedly throwing away their razors? I went to watch that advertisement for myself to figure out what exactly was so wrong about the advertisement. And my conclusion is this: nothing. There is nothing wrong per se. Perhaps the only thing wrong about it is that it could come across as a little preachy and a little too 'in-your-face', but I feel that the message is very clear: toxic masculinity affects us all. And some men (again, not all men) need to hear this message.

One of the very first scenes already drives the point home: a boy getting called names such as "freak" and "sissy". Guys who don't conform to the stereotypical image of being "manly" are negatively affected by toxic masculinity. Straight theatre guys. Guys like Billy Elliot. Why can't you be a straight, masculine man and be a ballet dancer too? And this is just like the movie Love Simon, isn't it? It makes it harder for gay men like Simon to come out because there are male characters in the movie, such as his Dad and his vice principal, trying to be as "masculine" as possible in front of him by making jokes about masturbating to women and dating women. These idiots don't know that they're making other women AND men uncomfortable. 

The ad also highlights the phrase dangerous phrase that many adults and parents use: "boys will be boys". This phrase excuses men and allows them to do "masculine" things because they think that it's their right to do so. But at times, these "masculine" things are just wrong. They continue to perpetuate the double standards that already exist. For instance, when army guys get together in Singapore, they tend to discuss going to KTVs and having sex with prostitutes. These men are men who are "serving the nation" but at the same time, they think that it is fine to go behind the backs of their girlfriends and wives just because other men say that's it's OK. Is it right for women to excuse them and say, "Aiya, boys will be boys"? Would it be socially acceptable for women to go out in groups and find male prostitutes too? Didn't think so. We'd end up with chastity belts. 

Then, the ad shifts in tone and shows men holding other men accountable for their despicable actions. And I don't get it. This is great, isn't it? The ad is acknowledging that not all men believe in this absurd form of masculinity. But somehow, this message is lost. There are a lot of butthurt men and women out there defending toxic masculinity, with no idea that what they are doing is hurting both genders. Perhaps they think that they are defending masculinity. These women like doors to be opened for them by men, and these men like to show off how "masculine" they are, perhaps because they have "masculine" jobs in the navy, or because they think that the word "masculinity" defines them as people. Don't get me wrong. I like manly men too. But these people have no clue that masculinity and toxic masculinity is different. The ad has not vilified men or masculinity in any way, and it is pretty worrying that these ignorant people are missing the entire point. And the point has been already made time and time again. I have quoted this Esquire.co.uk story before on Facebook and I'll quote it again and again if I have to:

...remember that patriarchy's bumming you as hard as it's bumming us. We're bulimic, objectified and under-promoted. You, meanwhile, are unable to talk about your feelings lest you get punched in the nuts by "a lad" telling you not to be "a bender". You are unlikely to get custody of your kids, and are three times more likely to commit suicide. Feminism's about sorting all this stuff out. Because it's about equality.

If you are one of those butthurt people who still don't get it: Imagine that you're a student in a classroom, and you're in the worst class. Most of your classmates are assholes and shitheads, but you're not. The teachers, vice principals, and the principal are there to reprimand the entire class. You're not going to stand up and shout about how you did your work and how you don't deserve to be scolded, right? Most of us, as students, have been in this situation before. We would just sit there and listen to the scolding that isn't meant for us, and since we know perfectly well that it isn't meant for us, we just keep quiet and let the teachers do their thing so that the naughty kids would hopefully learn their lesson. Doesn't the same concept apply here? Stop making this all about you when you're not the target audience. Jeez! 

Perhaps I was wrong then. The advertisement wasn't clear enough. Maybe there should be a video that clearly shows how toxic masculinity hurts men. They should interview men who are renowned ballet dancers. Men who were called sissies in school. Men who were told that they weren't supposed to cry, and how this has affected their mental health. Men who have gotten raped before, but were unable to seek help immediately. Men who regretted being in fights just because they were told that they had to "act macho". Men recounting how they couldn't walk away from such pressure even though their gut and their conscience told them otherwise. Then at the end of the ad, the words "MASCULINITY GOOD. TOXIC MASCULINITY BAD" should be displayed, because apparently such a concept is so difficult to grasp that we have to just spell it out for the viewer.

There are indeed some men who believe in toxic masculinity so much so that they do not see anything wrong with it. These men would probably defend toxic masculinity until the bitter end. Basically, they are the kind of men you would find on the Instagram account ByeFelipe. They are the ones who think that women owe them sex. They think that it's OK to send dick pics to women. They think that they should insult women who don't reply to their supposed "compliments" when in reality they are harassing them sexually. 

I can imagine that ex-student of mine listening to his father complain about "feminists" and how "everything is about women these days". And that worries me.