Getting Spooked Easily (Introvert Problems)

Shadow scratched me recently by accident. She was spooked by Snowy, who was hanging around sneakily or something, but I didn't realise that she was on edge. So when she came to the sofa, I tried to pat her and she jumped into the air, scratching me in the process.

I don't blame her at all because I didn't read the situation well and I realise that the both of us spook easily. This incident has inspired me to write about how I get spooked easily too.

1. Making friends online

It's difficult to make friends online when people around you are always warning you about potential scammers and creeps out there, especially if you are a girl. When I was thirteen, I was playing an online game and I met an Australian dude there. We were chatting and hitting it off but I suddenly stopped talking to him. I think it was because we had a talk in school about how dangerous it was to make friends online and how weirdos might tell you that they are 13 but end up being like 60, so I freaked out and just stopped.

I remembered his name and email address (I no longer do) so a few years later when I randomly thought about this, I searched for him online. Turns out that he was using his legit name and it was linked to the email address that he had given me. I was surprised and also thinking like, damn it. I could've made a friend!

In the past few years, I have managed to make some friends on Instagram because of our mutual love for cats. But I'm still super wary of weirdos and so I usually assume the worst of everyone by first jumping to the conclusion that the person is a creep. I don't follow back until I can confirm, after some time, that they are just fellow cat lovers.

Last year, I created an account on Twitch and so far it's been okay. Although most Twitch users are males, it is clear whether they are creeps or not. I have learned that generally, creeps send you private messages and ask you to do strange things like take off your underwear. Most of the dudes I've met there so far just want to talk about games though, so that's wonderful. It also helps if most people in group chats don't click on your profile and assume that you're a guy anyway. At first I thought it wasn't a good thing, but now I'm all like, "Yes, please keep calling me a 'dude/guy/mate' and keep using 'he/him' pronouns. Idgaf. It's safer that way."

P.S. I hope nobody's reading this and thinking, "Oh she's so full of herself! She's writing this and calling guys creeps, which means she thinks she's attractive etc." That's not it. That's just the way girls are brought up. We've been taught to be wary of men from a young age because they could be rapists, molesters, creeps and jerks.

P.P.S. Speaking of which, how many you males have been sexually harassed online before? I don't even use dating apps like Tinder but I have had such experiences. For instance, you'd think you'd be safe on Carousell, an app for buying and selling stuff. But nope, girls are harassed there too. I've been asked to try on clothes that are made of sheer fabric and send pictures of myself because I thought it would be good to be honest and tell people that the top or dress could be slightly see-through. I've been propositioned on Carousell and he said he'd pay me $50. How dumb and/or easy do they think I am?

2. Ordering food

As an introvert, I hate ordering food. I generally try not to make this too obvious, but I think friends who are closer to me might have sensed it, and those who are observant would have noticed my awkwardness. I love going on dates and playing the gender card so that my date would order my food for me. Sure, some people may think that I'm being a bitch and a fake feminist but I hate talking to strangers too much to care about that.

There are so many reasons why I hate ordering food. Firstly, as an introvert, I don't find it necessary to yell my order at people, even if I'm at a crowded place. This means that sometimes, I get the wrong order. Sometimes I just deal with it by taking whatever they give me without complaints, but at other times I have to awkwardly tell them that they've got it wrong -- like if they give me bowls of food when I actually ordered it to go -- which is a waste of time for everyone involved.

Secondly, there are strangers who stop to make conversations with you. For instance, I like eating caifan (rice with side dishes like meat and vegetables) and I order it quite often at hawker centres or food courts. It's fine when the people there just serve me what I want without making small talk. In recent years, due to my lip eczema, they might stop to point out that my lips are dry and/or flaking and tell me to drink more water because they think I'm dehydrated. They don't know that it's eczema and I don't bother to correct them unless somehow I've been feeling rather extroverted that day. (Can extroversion be a feeling? What I mean to say is that sometimes I feel more comfortable and confident talking to strangers I guess? It depends on the situation, my mood, the person whom I'm talking to, and possibly a bunch of other factors)

However, when conversations bother on creepy, I'll for sure get spooked and avoid eating there for a while. I might return if I really wish to eat from that stall again, or if the creepy person working there isn't there that day. For instance, some caifan uncles may call me "Xiaomei" which is fine, but it is weird if they start saying that I'm pretty or ask me if I'm single. They might just be friendly guys but I still get spooked because I don't like awkward conversations with random people.

One super awkward thing that happened was when I had to buy dinner for myself and John after work. It was a Saturday evening and I had lessons from 9am to 6pm, which means standing and teaching for about 8 hours. I was mentally fried when I walked up to the stall and placed my order in Mandarin. Guess what? I slipped up and the words came out of my mouth wrong since I was exhausted, and the dude laughed at me. Even though he knew exactly what I meant, he just had to embarrass me. Wow. I know my Mandarin sucks lah, but still! Anyway, I tried to avoid going back there as much as I could. Unfortunately, I had no choice but to return even after that awkward conversation because John forced me to buy from there since he liked the food. I haven't forgotten about the incident though.

Lastly, I hate ordering food because sometimes the people who take your order don't seem to even hear you or notice your presence. I'm not sure if it's just me or if the service in Singapore is shit. My most recent encounter was when I waited for someone to take my order at a stall in a food court. The lady in charge of this was busy, but when she returned to the counter, she took someone else's order even though that person appeared much later than I did and was queuing up behind me. I've never been more furious so I went back home with only John's food and had cup noodles.

3. Being snuck up on at night

I'm a night owl. I take forever to wake up and I'm extremely unproductive in the day. For instance, I just managed to clear quite a lot of work and I'm feeling pretty energetic even though I'm blogging at 3am.

Anyway, when the people living with me creep up on me in order to tell me to go to sleep, I get spooked! They're supposed to be sleeping!

When I lived with my parents, it was usually my mother who did this. She would shuffle her feet so I knew that she was coming and it wasn't so scary. My father would occasionally scold me and I would immediately go to sleep because he would look pissed off. Now that I live with John, I get spooked because he doesn't make a sound when he sneaks up towards me! It doesn't help that I'm wearing headphones as well. I jolted upright and said "Ahh!" when John crept up from behind recently.

And of course, this could all be made worse if I'm watching, playing or thinking of something spooky.

4. Not answering the door

I used to play Neopets when I was a kid. When you create your Neopet, you get to choose their personality. One question was something like, "How does your Neopet greet others?" And there were a few options but those I remember are as follows:

a) Try and make friends

b) Approach with caution

c) Run away!

I think I would usually pick option (b) since option (a) was a little too friendly (Stranger Danger!) and option (c) sounded too cowardly. In hindsight, option (a) was probably for extroverts, option (b) was for ambiverts and option (c) was for introverts.

Anyway, IRL, I don't run away from others obviously but I do run away from strangers if they come to the door and they can't see me. When I lived with my parents, I'd just whisper urgently, "Mum! Answer the door!" and basically refuse to answer it myself unless she was stuck in the toilet. I would check the peephole and just tiptoe back into my room if it looked like someone who was just there to sell me something I didn't need.

It's still ok if the strangers at the door are simply there to deliver food or other stuff that we've ordered online. But it really sucks when the door is left open for fresh air and someone we have not been expecting comes up to the gate. Then they'd see me sitting there on the sofa and it'll be awkward not to respond, so I'd have no choice in those situations.

In recent years, I live with John and he has always been answering the door as well. Once, I heard a sudden knock on the door and jumped up in surprise. Then, I ran away from the door and realised that Shadow was doing the exact same thing! LOL.

5. Avoiding strangers on the street

People on the street have spooked me multiple times. There was this funny incident that happened to me relatively recently. I was shopping alone at Westgate and just strolling about, completely lost in my thoughts and probably also drinking milk tea at the same time. Then, out of nowhere, this young lady came up to me and said, "Hi! I'm actually from Westgate!" (I'm not even kidding. This was exactly what she said)

I didn't know what the heck she wanted from me, but she spooked me and shocked me out of my reverie, completely causing me to lose the feeling of peace and tranquility that had descended upon me at that time. So I probably gave her an incredibly judgmental stare and just walked away.

Then I went home and laughed about it. But I also felt a little bad because she was probably just trying to do her job.

There are some really pushy touts on the street. Some of them actually follow you down the street and even when you speed up, they speed up as well to match your pace. They can't take 'no' for an answer and they don't seem to understand body language. This sucks if you're in a rush or if you're an introvert like me and you simply hate talking to strangers.

I've tried my best to be nice by shaking my head and giving them dismissive waves or smiles to indicate my disinterest but they are so persistent. Even when I'm trying to be nice, I can get insulted. I remember some guy calling me "rude" when I tried this. What a loser. I can't remember what else they've said but trust me, there have been many other stupid comments.

So I've decided not to be nice and nowadays I just pretend not to hear them instead. I'll look at my phone and pretend to be completely absorbed with what I'm doing. This doesn't work sometimes because the salesman on the street might say, "Oh! Playing Pokemon Go?" or something like that in a most irritating manner. Ughhh. Don't fucking look at my screen and give me some privacy!

Ever since I was a teenager, evangelists have approached me on the streets. And I've always hated it. Why do they even do this? No offence to your religion, but what makes you assume that I'm not spiritual? What makes you think that I'm unhappy with my lack of religion? What makes you think that I'm unhappy at all? What makes you think that I need your help? What makes you think that you are in the position to give absolute strangers advice and tell them what to do with their lives when you don't know a damn thing about them? Isn't it very high and mighty of them to think that they have all the answers?

One of them actually chased after me and followed me all the way to the bus stop so I had no choice but to listen to her there. I was praying so hard for the bus to arrive but I was forced to listen to a sermon that wasn't well-explained. When the bus came, I said "bye!" and rushed off. I was so relieved!

Regardless of race, language or religion

There's been a lot of talk recently about race and religion, and all these discussions are understandable since there's been so much going on. I'm sure I don't need to refresh anyone's memory because it's all pretty recent and still in the forefront of most of our minds and social media pages.

I just decided to sort of weigh in with my own experiences.

Obviously, I first need to acknowledge that I'm a Chinese person in Singapore and I'm aware of my privilege. However, it has become extremely disturbing and deeply disconcerting that some of my fellow Chinese Singaporeans are unable to even come to terms with their own privilege and what racism in Singapore looks like. 

Some of them seem to be in disbelief, still ignorant that there's racism in Singapore. Others somehow decide to play the victim and become defensive, claiming that Chinese people can also be at the receiving end of racism in Singapore. 

To me, it is not at all shocking that racism exists in Singapore. It has always existed. The shocking thing is how people are blind towards their own prejudice.

The other shocking thing is how some Singaporean Chinese people simply do not understand that the issue here is about how minority races are being treated, and therefore as a Chinese person, we are part of the majority and we shouldn't be jumping in to play victim when we are the oppressors. Just no. To be completely honest, it just makes us look foolish. 

My concern with the issue is how Chinese Singaporeans appear to be uneducated when it comes to matters of race and religion. Sure, Singaporeans are supposedly highly educated. We have high PISA scores and whatnot. But whoa, when it comes to race and privilege, some Chinese Singaporeans appear to know nothing and are trapped in their own bubble of privilege. When others try to poke at it with reasonable, logical arguments, these Chinese Singaporeans are afraid that their bubble might burst and their privileges disappear and so they act out.

It is revolting, akin to pampered children lashing out at parents who have spoiled them.

So why are these Chinese Singaporeans uneducated? To me, it is because when we go to school, we aren't taught about what race and religion truly is.

Here's my experience.

When I was a kid, I went to a SAP school. Everyone there was a Chinese person. As a kid, I was "colourblind" and could not tell the different races apart. (I know that the term "colourblind" is not a great term to use when discussing racism because it can be used by people who do not wish to discuss racism and confront their bias, but I'm just telling you that hey, I was a dumb kid, alright?) 

Then came Racial Harmony Day. In my primary school and in most schools, we'd dress up in ethnic costumes, learn about different cultures through games, songs, and food. I don't remember much about it, but I do remember learning about the three different races: Chinese, Malays and Indians. I remember being taught that Malays wear tudungs and Indians wear saris. 

I also remember a rich Chinese schoolmate of mine who came to school wearing an expensive-looking sari from Little India to show off. 

Thankfully, I did not do well enough for PSLE and managed to go to a neighbourhood school. I think that, above all else, saved me from becoming an ignorant Chinese Singaporean.

When I was at this neighbourhood secondary school, I was somehow still placed in an all-Chinese class despite the fact that there were Malay and Indian kids in my cohort this time. This didn't matter, because we were all forced to join a CCA, and there were two Malay girls who were in my CCA. (I told them that they were my first Malay friends and in hindsight, I've learnt that that's another dumb thing to say even if it's true)

We, the ignorant Chinese people, had a lot of questions for them, especially when they were fasting. They were happy to oblige and taught us about their culture.

There was an incident in secondary school that stuck with me. One of my CCA seniors is a dark-skinned Chinese person. She hung out with another senior, who's an Indian. She told us that when the two of them were taking public transport, some mean Chinese ladies said offensive things about them in Mandarin, thinking that my seniors couldn't understand. So my seniors glared at them and started speaking in Mandarin too, much to their shock, and they awkwardly moved away.

In my teenage mind this was extremely cool. I knew that my Chinese senior could speak Malay as well, and my Indian senior could speak Mandarin. It was a classic "Don't judge someone by the colour of their skin" story and I loved it. I loved how the Chinese person stood up for her friend and stood up against racism. 

However, this story alone also shows that if you are a minority with dark skin, you'll be discriminated against. And minorities have to pick up some Mandarin in order to survive, while Chinese people can get by without worrying about language barriers. 

After 14 years of being surrounded by Chinese classmates, I was finally put in a class with Malays and Indians. However, there was still one class in our cohort that consisted of only Chinese people, and that was the best class. Everyone there took triple science.

My class was the second best class because only half of us took triple science. And perhaps for timetabling purposes, students who took other Mother Tongue languages (i.e. students of other races) were put in the same class. However, again in hindsight, this is troubling. It can be seen as a microcosm of what's wrong in Singapore: that minorities are being treated as second-class citizens and will always be seen as second best.

But I didn't think much about it at the time. I liked going to school and I liked my new class. I was away from my lower secondary school classmates, some of whom were toxic and tended to make racist comments because all of us were Chinese and it didn't matter to them.

When I went home from school, I would tell my mother the things that had happened. In particular, I told her about three Indian boys in class who loved cracking jokes. They made our lessons more bearable by doing so. As I told my mum whatever story it was, she made me realise something that I hadn't realised before due to my uneducated mind: that race and religion were different.

According to my mother, one's a Catholic, the other boy a Muslim, and the last one's a Hindu. She could tell by their names and again, in hindsight, this should've been obvious. But it was a revelation to me when I was younger.

Why was this a revelation though? I have Chinese relatives. Some of them are Christians and some of them are Buddhists. Some, like myself, do not have a religion. I should've known that race and religion were different things. So why was this information considered new and somehow mindblowing? Well, I can point you exactly to what made this so confusing: what I learnt back in primary school during all those Racial Harmony Day assembly talks.

We weren't learning anything meaningful that would have contributed to the strengthening of bonds between the different races. That was how it was packaged on the surface but nope! What did we actually learn? Racial stereotypes. We learnt that Muslims are all Malays. Wrong. We learnt that all Indians were Hindus. Again, wrong.

Fast forward to university. I met an extremely privileged Chinese girl while I was there. She came from a wealthy background and an elite school. Perhaps even multiple elite schools. When I pointed out that something was racist, she said, "Aiya, everything to you is racist lah." 

Wrong, wrong, wrong. 

Suffice to say, we didn't become friends.

Fast forward again to working life. I got a job easily and met my boss, a typical Chinese Singaporean uncle type. He spoke in not so perfect English, and also a little bit of Chinese. This was fine, I thought. His English isn't very good, and since we're both Chinese he spoke to me in a mix of English and Chinese. Nothing wrong with that, I thought.

Then I attended company meetings where people also spoke in Chinese. And it was... fine? But why was it fine? I was curious. Wondering if there were going to be any minorities telling us to "switch to Channel 5" like what usually happened in secondary school, I scanned the room. Everyone understood Chinese. Every single employee there was a Chinese person. Even the person with the darkest skin.

The company also emphasised that you needed to fit in with their culture. But what exactly was the company culture like? Isn't it just Chinese culture? But isn't Singapore a multi-racial society? It was extremely strange to me. 

I didn't work there for long. The next company I worked for was very different. It was much more organised and after being trained at headquarters, I was sent to a branch that was closer to my home.

To give some context, I worked for a tuition centre and had to teach English. Our team consisted of a good mix of Chinese, Malays and Indians. We were specially told to speak in English at all times, unless the customer spoke in another language. 

The students in particular were confused. They didn't understand why my colleague, who's an Indian lady, could speak Malay. She had to explain to them that she took Malay as her Mother Tongue in school.

The students were also confused because another colleague of mine, who's also an Indian lady, looks fairer and wear a tudung. They thought that she was a Malay. She had to explain to them that she's an Indian Muslim.

I'm glad that my colleagues and I had the chance to explain some of these things to them because they were already becoming more educated than I ever was when I was in primary school and knew nothing about race and religion because our Racial Harmony Day celebrations were inadequate.

Later, two male colleagues joined the team. One's a Malay man who's dating a Chinese woman, and the other a Chinese man dating an Indian woman. No one at the office said anything dumb to show that they frowned upon interracial couples, unlike what happened in the news recently. 

Once during a meeting, the front desk staff told us that there was a customer who specifically wanted a Chinese teacher. If I recall correctly, I was the only full-time Chinese tutor working there at that time. Of course, their professional response was that all our teachers are well-trained and so it didn't matter whose class you were in. However, behind closed doors, my instinctive initial response at the meeting was "What the heck? I don't want more students to teach! And what has being Chinese got to do with being a good teacher? I'm not going to speak in Chinese during class what right?"

My joke about being lazy and not wanting more work made my colleagues laugh. Looking back, I was probably the most outraged out of all of them as they were perhaps already used to such racism.

If you've read till this point, you might be thinking: what's the point of sharing these stories? 

Well, hopefully by this point, you might have made a few observations.

Firstly, as a Chinese Singaporean, none of these racist incidents were ever directed at me. (Of course, when I was in Australia, I experienced some form of racism, but that's irrelevant to the current discussion about racism in Singapore.) It was incredibly easy for me to look the other way when my classmates made racist jokes. It was incredibly easy for me to get a job at a company full of Chinese people. That's privilege. Many Chinese Singaporeans like myself have also probably never experienced racism or microaggressions in Singapore before. That's privilege too.   

As Chinese Singaporeans, we've never had to deal with systemic racism. Ever. And that's privilege.

Secondly, there is a huge problem in how we celebrate Racial Harmony Day. I've asked students about Racial Harmony Day before in recent years and it hasn't changed. They tell me that it's still celebrated the same way in schools: you can go to school dressed in ethnic costumes, and the school just reminds everyone about the 1964 race riots. When I ask them when the riots occurred, most of them couldn't even tell me it was 1964. Because they weren't paying attention. 

The students are BORED of the way Racial Harmony Day is celebrated. Why? Because it isn't meaningful at all, and it's the same thing every year. 

If Racial Harmony Day has been celebrated the same way a decade ever since I left JC, it means that generations of Chinese Singaporeans not learnt anything about racism in school. They've either had to learn about racism on their own through their minority friends (if they even have any), or look stuff up on the internet to educate themselves. Those who don't bother? They have been stereotyping others and living in their own world. They think that racism doesn't exist just because there aren't any riots.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but a world where racism doesn't exist isn't reality. It's a dream. For years and years, we've just been avoiding the problem instead of seeking a solution.

If I had done well for PSLE and gone to yet another SAP school, I might be living in a bubble of my own too. My racist parents would continue saying racist things to me, and I wouldn't find that problematic like I do now. I would have spent my entire teenagehood continuing to not know anything about racism in Singapore until I became an adult, got a job and said stupid things to my co-workers like, "You're so pretty for an Indian!" Ugh.

So here's my suggestion and it's not mindblowing: change the way Racial Harmony Day is celebrated. Actually teach students about diversity. Get minority voices heard. Talk about racial stereotypes and why they're hurtful. Teach them about what microaggressions are. Encourage them to call others out for making racist comments. Teach them to stand up for what's right instead of simply doing what's convenient.

This is completely doable. As a tutor, I've called students out multiple times for making racist remarks in class. Also, I've seen a lesson on racism before. When I was an intern at a school, I observed an English Literature lesson conducted by a teacher who explained what the word "stereotype" means. Then, the teacher divided the class into groups and told them to write down all the racial stereotypes they have ever heard of before on a large vanguard sheet. 

The students did what they were told enthusiastically, but when they had to present these ideas, they realised that it was awkward and embarrassing to share these stereotypes with the rest of the class. They didn't want to be seen as racists nor did they wish to hurt any of their friends. But the teacher needed them to understand what racism is because they were reading and analysing the book "To Kill A Mockingbird" for class. 

But why should this only be done during English Literature class? Why should students get to learn about these issues only when reading a book that has to do with racism?

This brings me to by next point. Some keyboard warriors or trolls claim that ideas like "racism" and "white privilege" are imported from "the West" and these ideas are going to mess our society up. 

WRONG.

Racism has always existed. Don't act blur. Chinese parents and grandparents have been known to say racist things to impressionable children! Ask any average Chinese person. They wouldn't want to admit it, but they'd know what you're talking about.  

Privilege has always existed too. The concept of white privilege doesn't just apply to America, for instance. White privilege has affected basically the entire world in the form of colonialism. The "coloured" people of South Africa were oppressed under the apartheid system. The Aboriginals in Australia are oppressed because of white privilege. White tourists are treated better than non-white tourists in most places.

In Malaysia, Malays are in a privileged position. In Singapore, it's the Chinese. That's the truth that privileged people, including Chinese academics, wish to deny because they are afraid of losing their privileges. They are afraid of rocking the boat, afraid that the tides would turn against them somehow. 

I'm not an academic who studies critical race theory. But I'll try to do what's right. And racism is always wrong. So I'll continue calling it out whenever I can.  

If you're a Chinese Singaporean who supports racism, then I guess your racist parents and grandparents must be really proud of you. You will never marry someone of a different race. You will continue saying idiotic and hurtful things, then somehow be surprised when people call you out. You might never see the error of your ways even after being fired from your job. You might even end up spying for China, your beloved motherland. But I wonder how you sleep at night with such a wack moral compass.